Livin’ Life On The Lamb

Thirteen Things I Have Learned Since I Started Working Out:

1. Monday mornings may be hard, but they sure do set the pace for the week.

2. It’s worth getting up 15 minutes earlier in order to get the nice step, the non-grimy weights, the inflated ball, and the good spot on the floor (under the fan, of course).

3. Singing while working out is frowned upon, especially in the weight room, ESPECIALLY when there are guys around. Even if the song ROCKS, and it takes all your effort to keep from bursting into song…keep the love to yourself.

4. Wearing less clothes doesn’t mean you are in good shape.

5. Exhaling very loudly while pressing any amount of weights does not make you look stonger. It reminds everyone in the room that we should all brush our teeth before going to the gym.

6. Perfume stinks when you sweat. Really. Don’t wear perfume before coming to the gym. You will smell like a dirty hooker by the time you leave, and people will shy away from you in step aerobics class.

7. Nobody wipes down the machines or mats when they are done using and sweating all over them.

8. Soooo, wipe down all the machines before and after you use them. Especially before.

9. Working out is one of the only ways that I can be happy all the time. Even if I don’t want to be there, I leave feeling like the most gorgeous woman in the gym and I’m pumped for the rest of the day.

10. You must keep working out. No stopping. No breaks. Especially not for two months, even if you’re sick, because when you go back, you WILL feel as though you’ve been hit by a truck. A big one. Like Mac from Cars.

11. Lunges suck. I hate them. They were created by Satan and that’s what bad people will be doing in Hell if they don’t eat their vegetables and say their prayers. I have been doing lots of both so I don’t go to Hell. I hate lunges.

12. My face gets so red during aerobics that I look like I’ve just spent 43 or so hours in the Sahara Desert without a hat or water or any shade. But I’ve lost 30 pound since I started in October, and I feel great, so I can deal with the red face!

13. It’s bad manners to stand next to the machine I happen to be using in the weight room and sigh heavily and tap your foot and act like I’m in your way and ruining your workout. Especially when I rest between sets. Give me a break! Oh, and the no singing during your workout? Really don’t do it while resting between sets when the aforemention goon is standing and tapping his foot and sighing loudly and waiting for “his” machine. He will get mad. Then he’ll go talk to the manager. But by the time they come back together, you’re on the next machine, pumping iron as if your life depended on that last press and the guy looks like a giant dork.