I didn’t expect for things to change the way they have. I am Sarah Ann, and before all the problems with the mass and the ectopic pregnancy and the surgeries, I was Sarah Ann. I never expected to go through this ordeal and be a different person on the other side.
But I am.
I am still Sarah, but something has shifted. I didn’t lose my life, I didn’t have cancer, I didn’t have complications during my surgery. I didn’t die.
But I could have. All of those things might have happened; I went into all this with a blindfold on, not knowing what the end result would be.
After coming through it, I realize that I am so soft now. Tender moments reach right out and grab onto my heart and squeeze it. I love this feeling. I take mental pictures of my family and friends every moment I am with them. I wish I could tell them how much they mean to me. I wish I could share with them the LOVE and GRATITUDE that I feel in my heart for all that they have done and continue to do. I cry at commercials. My baby rests his little head on my shoulder and sighs, and I weep. My nearly 6-year-old asks me to snuggle with and read a story and my eyes just leak. My husband buys me a shirt that says “Fight Like A Girl” (with the pink ribbon on it) and I thank him with tears in my eyes. A friend brings a delicious dinner and I sit and let the tears pour down my cheeks as she drives away.
These moments and feeling are so real right now, I don’t ever want to go back to being the Sarah Ann that let these moments pass her by. I don’t want to be too “tough” to cry. I don’t want to brush this life under the rug and continue in my own way on my own path and disregard others.
I want to be kind.
I want to love.
I want to be patient.
I need to laugh.
I need to love.
I need to cry.
And I suppose that if this is how my life is going to continue, I am just going to have to stop wearing mascara and carry tissue in my purse, because I’m going to embrace it.
I’m going to embrace ALL of it.
(the last of the steri-strips came off, it’s so nice not to have them sticking to my shirt!)