An Unexpected Change

I didn’t expect for things to change the way they have. I am Sarah Ann, and before all the problems with the mass and the ectopic pregnancy and the surgeries, I was Sarah Ann. I never expected to go through this ordeal and be a different person on the other side.

But I am.

I am still Sarah, but something has shifted. I didn’t lose my life, I didn’t have cancer, I didn’t have complications during my surgery. I didn’t die.

But I could have. All of those things might have happened; I went into all this with a blindfold on, not knowing what the end result would be.

After coming through it, I realize that I am so soft now. Tender moments reach right out and grab onto my heart and squeeze it. I love this feeling. I take mental pictures of my family and friends every moment I am with them. I wish I could tell them how much they mean to me. I wish I could share with them the LOVE and GRATITUDE that I feel in my heart for all that they have done and continue to do. I cry at commercials. My baby rests his little head on my shoulder and sighs, and I weep. My nearly 6-year-old asks me to snuggle with and read a story and my eyes just leak. My husband buys me a shirt that says “Fight Like A Girl” (with the pink ribbon on it) and I thank him with tears in my eyes. A friend brings a delicious dinner and I sit and let the tears pour down my cheeks as she drives away.

These moments and feeling are so real right now, I don’t ever want to go back to being the Sarah Ann that let these moments pass her by. I don’t want to be too “tough” to cry. I don’t want to brush this life under the rug and continue in my own way on my own path and disregard others.

I want to be kind.

I want to love.

I want to be patient.

I need to laugh.

I need to love.

I need to cry.

And I suppose that if this is how my life is going to continue, I am just going to have to stop wearing mascara and carry tissue in my purse, because I’m going to embrace it.

I’m going to embrace ALL of it.

No More Steri-Strips!

(the last of the steri-strips came off, it’s so nice not to have them sticking to my shirt!)

 

 

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9 thoughts on “An Unexpected Change

  1. Oh Sarah…I’m so glad you have found such joy from all this scary business you’ve been through. And just so ya know…reading your touching words here makes me want to be a better person. And for sharing your physical and emotional journey here on this blog, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    Hugs…Danita

  2. Sarah Ann, you are the greatest ! Each day after I check my emails, I check your blog in hopes that you have written something. Life happenings does change people. Gods tender mercies allows one to reflect just how much He love us, and allows us to recognize just where we are and what it is all about. You are so special and we are honored to have such a person in our lives as YOU.

  3. I know exactly what you are saying. I experienced similar emotions after my brush with death in Jan. of ’09. I know that such feelings fade with time. Thanks for renewing mine. Gratitude is always “in season.” Grace toward others is always acceptable. Love you, Ann Davenport

  4. I’ve been there before. During my preggocy with Isaac a friend of mine almost died from a brain aneurysm. I remember it shaking me hard because I saw her and was talking with her just a couple hours before the attack happened. And watching the MIRACLE that life really is and that the Lord is aware of everyone and their needs and does know what’s best, it made me a weaker, softer person.

    Also, the death of my grandpa last year kinda was the second moment in life that made me even softer and now I think I’m always going to be some blubbering cry baby. I hate crying in public. I don’t even like Loren seeing me cry. I hate drawing that attention upon myself.

    But I know that I’m just going to have to “grin and bear it” and let my emotions show because I’m not that same, tough, person.

    I loved this post.

  5. I have to say that I am a changed person too. It was was too scary and I hope we dont have to go through it again but I am grateful for the reality check. Thanks for opening my eyes too. I love you so much and admire your strength. I don’t know what I would do without you.
    Love,
    Your bestie down the street

  6. Wow, these responses made me cry (surprise, surprise!) You gals are all so great, I really was able to cope and get through it and see that light at the end because of great people like you in my life. I know that my Heavenly Father prepared me for this trial by placing you right there next to the road of recovery.

    Thank you so very, very much for your kind words and thoughts and prayers. I love you gals a whole BIG bunch!

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