I remember simple days.
Ideas that included minimal planning.
I was me. Myself.
And I was fine with that.
Sure I had imperfections. Issues, even.
But I could sweep them under my little rug, shrug them off with a smile and go on with my day with no more thought of them than of a spec of dust on the floor.
I could, on some sunny, fun-filled days, pretend that they didn’t exist. (or if they had, I had beaten them and they were no longer an “issue”)
Suddenly, all those little weaknesses, those imperfections, those…issues, came back with a swarming, swooping, vengeance.
Little blemishes blew up to be huge, gaping holes in my character.
knew thought I had under control would suddenly rear up and bite me when I least expected it.
Sometimes, I don’t like being a mom. Putting all my hope and trust and love and care and devotion into another human being and then stepping back and watching that little human take those attributes and, along with their own character, make what they will of their own life is a hard, HARD task for me to continue to undertake.
Because along with the good, they will take some of the bad. And I’ve got a LOT of the bad to pass along. (all the junk I thought I had under control? oh yeah. it’s not. it was just sitting there, growing and festering….like one of those leftover casseroles in the back of the fridge.)
The pressure is tough. I don’t want to taint my child’s life. I don’t want this road, this family, this choice to be a bad one for them OR for me.
Having children is not only about them, it’s about me, too. It’s about understanding who I am and growing and learning and understanding, and when I’ve gained that understanding, it’s about asking for forgiveness.
For who I am.
For who I’m not.
Because in doing so, I can turn these flaws into excellence by learning about who I want to be, and then taking steps (trust me, they are itty bitty teeny tiny steps) in the right direction.
This is all I can do.
And since this is all He has asked of me
It is enough.
So I will continue to be refined and to attain a greater purity in myself, and in doing so, will
hopefully be able to bring out these positive types of qualities in those around me.
Maybe, only maybe, this will help me squash those stealthy weaknesses that sneak up on me (mostly in the evenings) so I can go to bed with a clear conscious and a smile on my face.
Or I should at least get a few brownie points for saying, “holy cow” instead of, well, something less appropriate, and then a few more points for NOT smacking my 8-year-old when he points out that in this country, cows aren’t holy.